Lost time is one of my OCD themes. I had a realization this week that the thoughts about wasting time, doing the wrong thing with my time, or losing time, are not going to magically disappear. I've been waiting for them to go away, and leave me alone. Everyone has thoughts about whether they are making good use of their time, and uncertainties about this. Mine have been interlinked with perfectionism, and fear of making any kind of mistake, and mental rituals of analyzing the best thing to do at any given moment with my time, not to mention avoiding doing anything at all, in case I choose the wrong thing.
The fact is that I have lost a lot of time due to the OCD. I've struggled with the thought that it's intolerable to have lost time, and I will be able to survive that grief, and I've endeavored to make the thought and the grief go away by analysis, which rebounds into even more focus on what I am trying to escape. It's the classic, "Don't think of a white bear"--what's the first thing that happens? You remind yourself of what not to think of, and there you are thinking about a white bear.
I've lost time doing my rituals. I've lost time while avoiding things I fear. I'm realizing that there are phone calls that would be useful to make as I work on my art business, and I lose time because I am afraid of phone calls, of saying the wrong thing, not knowing in advance how the call will go, and I'll freeze while avoiding the call, and get nothing done at all.
What are the ways in which you've lost time due to OCD?
No comments:
Post a Comment